I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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