I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
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We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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