So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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