I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
