bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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