felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
