Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
