Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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