Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
