Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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