her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
being pregnant is like rehab
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
