i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it