I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
