I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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