I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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