She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
