apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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