not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I stole a fireplace last night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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