Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
