We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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