your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Enjoy the penises
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
