I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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