it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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