Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
