i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
