I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
