would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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