I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka