Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink