i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
