So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Watching her eat just hurts me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
