i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
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I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos