im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
