I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.