She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.