oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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