There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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