I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
