After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
