things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
