our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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