I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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