Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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