I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
