Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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