Your face is a jimmy john
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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