ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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