I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
