I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
