I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
