Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
