dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
