saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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