I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
