Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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