I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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