i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
