i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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